Worst. Movie. Ever.

There's far too much positivity about blogs and memes and stuff, don't you agree? Following from a suggestion elsewhere (started by the leader of the National Party naming 'Johnny English' as his favourite film) let's hear it: the worst films you've ever seen. To make the list, you need to have seen the movie in question all the way through. No slagging off stuff you haven't seen, or didn't make it all the way to the end. No movies that were so bad they were good - Plan 9 From Outer Space, I'm looking at you. Let me know when you've done it, and I'll give out a special Ruptured Spleen award for the most entertainingly vitriolic entry. BUT I don't wanna see anyone getting all precious and bitchy about their poor little baby favourite film, okay? This is a flaming-only forum.

Worst Movies I Ever Sat Through

1/ Troy. Positive points, in their entirety: Sean Bean. The only one who looked like he got up and came to work on a movie. The fight scenes were dull and flat. Orlando Bloom and Brad Pitt were phoning it in, collect, from at a guess Amsterdam, where they were having far too much fun to pay attention to anything their hairdressers were doing. Despite condensing a ten-year seige into a couple of hours, it felt like watching a couple of hours worth of plot dragged out over ten years. And the absolute desperation to leave no wiggle room for anyone to even consider for a minute that Achilles was gay, like in the source material? actually made him look like he was compensating for something.

The only time I have EVER wanted to sue a director for stealing time out of my life.

2/ Titanic. Jesus fuck. This was on one Christmas Eve, when I was waiting for the kids to go to sleep so I could do their stockings. I don't know about Celine Dion's heart, but this went on, and on, and on... Only time I've ever seen a director accidentally make a hero out of an iceberg. I'm not fond of maudlin romantic tripe at the best of times, but I'm also perfectly capable of being  moved by good storytelling and characterisation. Pity, that.

3/ The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. By the time I saw this, I'd been warned it was bad. But y'know, I like Bruce Willis movies, I'm perfectly happy sometimes to just sit down and watch something fairly mindless and have fun with it. The Picture of Dorian Grey is one of my favourite books. That may partially explain the teeth-grinding, which built up to outright yelling by the end. "That vampire is standing in bright sunlight! FFS!"

4/ The Man Who Fell to Earth. The sight of David Bowie completely naked could not compensate for this movie being pretentious and completely incoherent. And I say this as someone who likes Andre Tarkovsky. Dire. Avoid like the plague.

5/ The Piano. Sole redeeming feature: Holly Hunter had no lines. Basic premise: a man buys your piano, holds it hostage, and says you can come play on it if you give him sexual favours. This is presented as liberation. Made me feel physically sick.

6/ Attack of the Clones. Hey, wow, listening to teenagers whine and bitch and moan for two hours is unbelievably irritating.

7/ Independence Day. I also like Will Smith. If you're looking to see him in something with credible plot and science, go for Men in Black before this. Bonus is, that comes with a script and without appalling offensive hokey fake patriotism. Reminded me of The Omega Glory episode of the original Star Trek. Some of you know exactly what I mean.

8/ Van Helsing. See The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen above. To quote a woman called Gwen I've never met but now adore: "Van Helsing was so bad that I almost walked out several times, but every time I started to gather my coat and purse, Jackman would remove his shirt. And I’d sit back down. I’m so weak."

9/ Moonraker. Bad even for a Bond flick. Bad even for a Roger Moore Bond flick. I'd say there was nothing lower than that, but George Lucas seems determined to prove me wrong.

10/ Forest Gump. Narrowly beats out The Phantom Menace for the remaining slot, and only because of Attack of the Clones. Contrived, sentimental, brain-dead crap that I believe was actually made WORSE by the appalling 'look at me I'm so cute' Tom Hanks.