ghetsuhm (ghetsuhm) wrote,

Earthquake whining, part fuck-knows

So Karl and I were talking last night after everyone left, and we'd had a few drinks, and he'd had a coffee so he was awake to chat with me at 1am. Mostly, Because of Reasons, we were talking about a friend of ours, whom we believe is very unhappy. Albeit largely by their own doing, but still, we care, and it's shitty, and probably now intractable.

I really like the way most of my friends who are in relationships are in them with people I don't want to punch in the face a lot.

Anyway, as  result of all of that, I asked Karl if he was happy. Which, as it turns out, is a question that can only be answered in the sort of long-winded fashion he hates when I do it. And it took me a while to drive the conversation back to "are you happy in your relationship", which was of course what I was asking because one of my more endearing traits is the way I am So Totally Self-Obsessed.

On the way, though, he told me that the main thing he worries about at the moment is me. Which makes me feel a weird loved special kind of shitty. Because he's aware that I haven't had any time to myself since the earthquake, and he knows I need it. He knows I haven't been writing because I don't have the mental space. He's aware (because I whine about it constantly) that I've had the same headache for over a week now. We thought it was the chlorine in the water, but it may just be stress. And our neighbours are total fuckwits. I've been internally debating what to call them, The Cuntyfucks or the McWankersons.

Also, I haven't had a cigarette in two weeks. I was starting to feel it in my lungs, and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to stop, so I did. I will start again when Megan gets here. I cannot wait.

And the thing is... I should be going out of my skull without the space I know I need to survive mentally. And I'm not. Because that's part of the numbness, the sense of being utterly stuck: I'm also not getting worse.

Well. It's okay when it's not raining. That three gray wet horrible days last week, I did start utterly despairing. As long as I can get out in my garden, I'm managing.

I'm failing to pick up all the threads of my old life with any enthusiasm. But at the same time, I have a Secret Project, and I'm pretty enthused about that. There's bound to be more important stuff I should be doing, but actually this also Needs to be Done. But I'm also aware that I am not my usual very organised list-making self right now. I keep putting things down and losing them. I have a couple of writing conundrums I can't connive my way out of, and I'm normally pretty good at that. I can't make fairly simple decisions like should I apply to attend TedXChch? Or am I just too fucking tired to bother? Should we get a water filter so I don't have the constant taste of chlorine in my mouth? Should I buy Rhiana a moon jar for her birthday, or make one myself? What are we going to do for her birthday? Should I do an Easter Egg hunt this year, or are the children too old for that shit? How do I stop being such a worry to Karl, and what do I do in a world where he's suggesting I take a break in Wellington by myself?
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